someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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