Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
