Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
