the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
