I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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