Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
