Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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