New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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