god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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