I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
