I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
