Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
