Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
