she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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