my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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