I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
