your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize