the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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