we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
