made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
