I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
