His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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