that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
