Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
