Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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