There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
