That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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