Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
