he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
