I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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