I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
