Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
