end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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