It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
