we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
