Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
