The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize