You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize