Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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