Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
