Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
