wat bout pragnant strippers??
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
