Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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