She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize