So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
