You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
