Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
