That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
