Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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