i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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