I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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