I wish my penis had an off switch
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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