Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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