So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize