Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
