I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
