my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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