So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
