Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
