got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
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