I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
