I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize