I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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