apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
