stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize