At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
