I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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