I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
