I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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