I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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