When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
