My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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