I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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