Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize