Got a toothbrush?
My liver just broke up with me...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
she peed on how many people?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
