I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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