I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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