Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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