Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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